I love lots of things about France; I just don't like speaking French. On a recent trip, I went to a chemist to buy Lemsip – or the French equivalent – for my friend.
"Bonjour, avez-vous le… ermmm… je voudrais… ermmm," I started. "Mon amis est malade," I tried, unable to think of the French for cold or flu. I moved on to mime: faking a cough, wrapping my arms around myself and pretending to shiver. The woman behind the counter held out some tablets but I shook my head.
Then it was tearing open an imaginary sachet, pouring it into a cup, adding water and drinking – blowing occasionally to indicate heat. She looked bemused. "Le flu?" I pleaded.
Finally – finally – she picked out what I was looking for and handed it over. I walked out feeling ashamed.
And that is French: a language I studied up to 16 and one in which I, unbelievably, achieved a top grade at GCSE. When it comes to German, I'm just glad that the answer to the only phrase I know – "Sprechen sie Englisch?" – is nearly always yes.
And I'm far from alone. One friend recently described watching a group of French locals break down in laughter as she tried to explain/mime that the gear lever in her car was stuck.
So we all know Brits are bad at languages but what are we going to do about it? The government's big idea in 2002 was to remove compulsory language studies after the age of 14 and instead drive resources into primary schools. That, they said, would enthuse children about languages and they would choose to keep studying them.
The numbers studying a language plummeted. And it took another seven years before the roll-out at primary even began. The result is a lost generation.
But even now, there is far too little focus on foreign languages. A survey published by Cilt, the National Centre for Languages, found that many English schools were abandoning a benchmark that aimed to ensure 50% to 90% of pupils studied a language at GCSE. It also found that the time 11- to 14-year-olds spent learning a language had fallen. And while four out of 10 schools arranged exchanges, many said they were becoming increasingly difficult.
Yet so many adults, myself included, look back at school with one big regret: that they left unable to converse in foreign languages. It is more than just being able to order a Lemsip. In terms of useful skills learnt at school, language ability is surely one of the most vital.
So here is what I'd like to see: languages embedded in primary schools, with not one subject but two compulsory at secondary school up to 16. And thinking about my French ability after a GCSE, I'm sure that is not enough. We need more hours in the classroom each week, more material for pupils to take home and more exchanges. It would be even better if A-level students, of whatever subject, had to take a language course on the side and were encouraged to live abroad.
I'm sure officials would say that there wasn't the money or expertise, but I really think the time has come to force language education up the agenda. After all, wouldn't it be nice to bring an end to that old joke, that the name for someone who speaks two languages is bilingual and the name for someone who speaks one is British?